Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
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I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
mariah carrie
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole