cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
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I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
What my back needs
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.