Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
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My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance