Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
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My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.