A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
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Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I’m about to risk it all
Friday night party time 🥳
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Don’t make me out nice you.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”