[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
You Might Also Like
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up