My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
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Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.