“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
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She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.