23. the denim jacket
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Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.