who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
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If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
favorite tropes as memes
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…