I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
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A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Holy crap this is wonderful
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
This squirrel eats better than I do
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.