*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
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I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.