[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
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Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.