My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
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They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.