[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
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[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Ironic
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.