The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
You Might Also Like
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.