i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
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Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
ME (calling my horse with no name):
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story