I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
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It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
This one’s “Alex”.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Worst perfume name ever.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.