Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
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Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Cat is stressing him out.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
You’ll be OK
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year