USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
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A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I think we should hear other voices.
Tough love is true love
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes