Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
You Might Also Like
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
*updates tinder bio*
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?