If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
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I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.