WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
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My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.