I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
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Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.