How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
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<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
spot the difference
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.