Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
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“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way