The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
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[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
All. The. Damn. Time.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes