Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
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If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”