[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
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[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
This could be us but you eatin’
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Every time my phone rings
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.