Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
You Might Also Like
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone