*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
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annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.