Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
You Might Also Like
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.