It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
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I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
*pronounces fake like saké*
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do