What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
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Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.