It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
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wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.