Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
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“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.