Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
You Might Also Like
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?