Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
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How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
me 2 months after i graduated
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.