There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
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There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
asked my bf how work was today
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”