Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
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My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Basketball games are very squeaky.