You Might Also Like
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
These aliens are taking forever.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
@funTweeters
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it