You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
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Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!