this is the best interaction on twitter
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“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Whisper out to librarians!
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass