My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
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Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.