*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
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Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes