boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
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I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Yup….perfect score!
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.