A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
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BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times