The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
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Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one