“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
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Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”