The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
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If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *